"can you wrap this present for me"
ok but consider this
- who cares
hair is so weird… it’s just lines. and sometimes the lines look good and sometimes the lines look bad… how
The rain outside patters gently on the windows as I wait for my order to be filled. Despite the rain, the streets are teeming with people on errands. The streets are always busy. The barista calls my name and I spin around and grab my Grande Hot Chocolate, the perfect drink for a cold winter day. I find an unoccupied table and flop down in the chair.
I take a short sip of my steaming beverage and my tongue is burned slightly by the heat of the liquid. I don’t particularly care. I set the cup down and rub my hands together for warmth, then lean back and stretch my arms, stifling a yawn. I hate mornings.
That’s when the earth shakes and the air cracks. The cafe’s patrons stand in silence, each trying to reconcile it in their heads. There wasn’t enough time before it happened again, though. Closer this time. Before anyone had a chance to react, it was already on top of us.
The windows explode and I barely avoid a face-full of glass by ducking my head. My ears dulled, I vaguely hear screams seemingly in the distance. My breath quickens and I slowly glance outside. There are no longer people on the street; several large, metallic cylinders are speared into the pavement. Flashing lights strobe around a few circular holes on their outer hulls.
"Spa-," a man near the door stutters, not quite wanting to believe what he’s seeing. "Space dinosaurs!" Panic permeates the cafe. The patrons and baristas are all trying to make their way through the tiny doors that are the only noticeable exit.
They all have the wrong idea. The dinosaurs have been doing this long enough that they know how predictable we as a species have become. There are only a few exits for any given building and few humans are able to exit any other way. They just stand at the entrances for easy pickings - no need to demolish buildings and lay waste to the territory they want to claim.
The sound of people’s panic is only challenged by the sound of laser-based weaponry. The more the weapons fire, the less panic there is. I’m kneeling near my table, underneath the windows. I can’t be seen from the entrance, but it’s only a matter of time before they sweep the building for stragglers. It’s a modern blessing that they decided not to destroy our internet from the get-go; it’s enabled anyone who actually wishes to survive to be able to read up and learn various space dinosaur survival tactics.
Rule #1? Let ‘em get the other guys first.
The pods they fly down in are one-way devices only meant to hold small squadrons of two or three soldiers. That’s usually more than enough to handle any modern building while they wait for the main force to enter the atmosphere and take position over the city. Fortunately, this also means that it’s not impossible for a smart and strong-willed human to survive.
These dinosaurs, being of the space variety, aren’t actually from Earth. They look like our dinosaurs and sound like our dinosaurs, but that’s about where the similarities end. They don’t breath our atmosphere so they need to wear special suits while they attack. After they conquer a city, they’ll erect a special biodome that terraforms the surrounding areas into a livable and breathable helium environment for themselves. But until that happens, it’s one of the only advantages humans have.
Both the lasers and the screams have almost completely died down by now. I spot one other person, a young man barely out of his teens, ducking down behind the counter. Our eyes meet and I can see he’s not afraid. I reach into my back pocket and pull out my butterfly knife and nod to him. He produces a small hunting knife of his own and signals back.
We both slowly move forward, keeping behind cover, to get a look at the exit. Bodies are piled all around it, making it difficult for our enemies to gain entrance. There are only two outside our building and they seem to be cajoling each other with various tales of space conquest and not actually clearing the building. As as an added bonus, both of their backs are turned. They’ve gotten complacent and it disappoints me a little.
My companion and I sneak our way to each side of the exit. We glance outside, then look back at each other. I hold up three fingers and slowly count down to zero. We jump through the exit, knives in hands, and onto the backs of the space dinosaurs waiting outside.
My knife skills haven’t come fully around yet, and I make an awkward first swipe at the breathing tube connecting the dinosaur’s helmet to his helium supply. It gives him a second to spin around and I nearly lose my grip. My second swing hits home and severs the tube, releasing helium hissing into the atmosphere. The dinosaur thrashes and lets out a low scream, but slowly succumbs to our nitrogen and oxygen and stops moving.
My new friend has managed to easily fell his target, as well. I start walking over to him when a laser blast screams past my ear and hits him straight in the chest, ripping it apart with explosive force.
Shit, a third! I should have been more careful.
I quickly somersault behind the body of one of the downed dinosaurs, searching for its weapon. I hear a few more laser blasts, but they’re all off target. I hear the loud stomps as the dinosaur comes closer, looking for me. I can hear its breath a few paces away as a few more searching blasts hit nearer and nearer.
Bingo. My hand finds the laser blaster and, with a couple heavy tugs, frees it from the dead dino’s grasp. Another laser blast misses my head by a half a foot. He’s finally found me. Too late for him, though. I spin onto my back and point the laser at the dinosaur’s visor.
"Today, you DINO in Hell!" I shout as I pull the trigger, shattering his visor and exposing him to our Earthly elements. He collapses as he suffocates and I lie on my back trying to gain my own breath back.
I only give myself a few seconds. There will be more nearby and I have a long way to go if I want to find freedom.
This beautiful little girl had open heart surgery less than 24 hours before this photo was taken. When asked why she was up so quickly, she replied her Hello Kitty slippers make everything better.
That little girl is fucking adorable.
her slippers are so cute. she is so cute.
there’s a rumor going around my school that a girl in choir got suspended for fingering herself in class uh
ur school wins
tips for people planning to visit Australia during summer:
- what the fuck are you thinking
- abort mission mate
That’s it that’s the whole country
Why the fuck is that a testing standard?
Maximum nugget flush capacity (or MNFC) is actually one of the most important and most commonly inquired toilet statistics. The highest MNFC ever recorded was a whopping 70 nuggets!